My Journey to finding balance

To say I’ve had a problematic relationship with my mind and body over the years is somewhat of an understatement.

My teens were dominated by depression, anxiety and an eating disorder. Through very limited caloric intake and excessive exercise, I would keep myself as thin as I possibly could. A behaviour that fuelled feelings of control over myself, and by extension, my life. In reality I had control of neither.  

As a university student I realised I could subsist on cheap meals from the Student Union and snacks, supplemented with alcoholic beverages, and still have loads of energy and look pretty good. Late nights, a packet of chips for dinner, exercise distinctly on a ‘if I’m in the mood’ basis. I didn’t gain weight on this standard student lifestyle plan and came to the conclusion that I must be ‘naturally skinny’. I think the food group I was cutting out was nutrients. Frankly, my current health-obsessed self cringes in hindsight.

My 30s weren’t much better. I was working full-time, studying a postgraduate degree at night for which I spent most of my weekends doing the assignments. Admittedly, I was doing a lot, but suffice it to say my time and stress management skills were poor. I existed on takeaway, relieved stress with a wine or four, spent most of my time sitting on my bum and was rather alarmed when said bum started to expand. In fact, I was so shocked that I took myself off to my GP to have my thyroid checked. After all, I identified as a ‘skinny person’, this was not supposed to happen. After a good talking to from my GP, I finally accepted that my ‘naturally skinny’ days were behind me. That said, as nutrition didn’t feature highly in my 20s it’s quite possible I was never naturally skinny anyway. 

Somewhere in my early 30s I realised that I was going to have to actually work on my wellness. The problem of course, is that change is hard. I would join gyms, start walking routines, try to limit unhealthy food and cut back on the wine only to fall off the wagon - oddly this would often happen right at the time I was starting to see some results. Whatever gains I had made would disappear along with my self-esteem, I was trapped in a cycle of bursts of motivation  that would collapse at the first sign of stress and I’d be consumed with anger and disappointment in myself; pass me the wine and a giant pizza, already!

At age 35 I experienced an extremely traumatic event that had a toxic knock-on effect into all areas of my life for approximately the next seven years. I lost my job, my career and my marriage. These losses compounded my trauma and my "trauma mind" made bad decisions, I experienced an abusive relationship, financial instability and my "self-care" practices evaporated with my sense of self-worth.

As I emerged from this dark time, my mental wellness and my recovery from trauma and depression had to be my focus by necessity. I am forever grateful for some of the wonderful health professionals who worked with me and the anti-depressant medication I was on at the time that probably saved my life. If anything, this time served to emphasise the value of healthy lifestyle practices, however as I recovered my mental wellness, when it came to lifestyle practices I found myself falling back into my old cycle of periods motivation followed by apathy. There had to be a better way. 

So how did I escape this roller coaster and find balance? I have to be honest and say that it was certainly not a ‘great flash of insight overnight shift’ sort of thing and it took me until my early 40s to really start to figure out the wellness practices that worked for me. It was, however, lots of small insights and shifts and it went something like this:

• I didn’t lose sight of my wellness goals. Even during my less healthy phases I had a clear image of how I wanted myself, and my life, to be. 

• Because I didn’t lose sight of my goals, I didn’t give up. Yes, I’d fall off the wellness horse for a while, but I’d always dust myself off eventually and try again. 

• One of my game changers was yoga. I have done yoga to maintain flexibility throughout my adult life, but at age 40 I discovered a yoga studio that taught strong vinyasa yoga - a style I’d (somehow) never come across before. My first class was so tough I think I actually crawled out, but I’d discovered two things: That yoga can be a serious workout.. and it was a workout I loved to do. 

• I think I quit my gym membership about a week later to focus on yoga classes. This is where I realised that the saying “the best exercise is the exercise you’ll actually do” really is true. At this point in my life I had a busy, stressful day job in the mental health industry but I would almost always find the time and energy to go to yoga after work, when it came to the gym I’d always found excuses. Nothing against gyms, if you love them, go for it, if not, try something else that you’ll be motivated to do. There really is so much out there. 

• For a while, I was completely obsessed with strong vinyasa yoga classes, and yes, my body did start to change. Somewhat to my surprise, so did my mind. I was calmer and more resilient, better able to regulate my emotions and deal with life’s challenges. Making healthier choices about what I ate and drank came more naturally to me. So I started doing some of the more meditative classes on offer at the yoga studio and attending workshops and courses. 

• By this point the version of me who reacted to perceived ‘failures’ with self-directed anger and disappointment was disappearing, to be replaced with a more compassionate and curious approach to my self-care. It had become a learning journey; not only about what practices worked for me but also a gradual revelation of my authentic self. Yep. It took me until my mid 40s to really start to get an inking of who I am and how I wanted to live my life. Better late than never! 

• Fast forward a couple of years and I did my first yoga teacher training in Hatha Vinyasa yoga. As it does for so many people, my motivation to teach yoga was connected to my desire share this wonderful mindbody practice so that others could benefit as I had. Of course, the more I learnt the more I realised I needed to learn, so a year on I completed further education in Biomedical yoga teaching. 

• So there I was, still working my day job in mental health services and pursuing my yoga teaching dreams in the evenings when COVID19 and the subsequent lockdowns catapulted the world into a different space and pared life back to the bare essentials. I was living with my ex-partner, the relationship had not exactly flourished and we made the decision to split up during lockdown. We did manage to handle the situation reasonably well and the fact that the house was large enough for us to both live mostly within our own spaces certainly helped. Still, the situation was an exercise in patience and resilience.    

• It was at this time that I started to question the wisdom of a strong vinyasa yoga practice being my only source of exercise. Don’t get me wrong, my love of yoga (of which the physical practice is only one eighth) had not diminished, it was more that my body felt like it needed something else, as well as, so to speak. One of the most wonderful things yoga does is teach us to listen to our bodies through enhancing the mind body connection. 

• Enter my interest in Pilates, weights and the more restorative styles of yoga. Yep, I became one of the many ordering dumbbells, bands and various other types of exercise equipment during lockdown. And, because when I get interested in something I get really interested, I went on to complete a Mat Pilates teacher certification. I proceeded to develop an integrated workout that included yoga, Pilates and weights and with consistent practice I now have a fitter physique in my 50s than at any other time in my adult life. 

• Along with adding other physical modalities to my workouts, I have continued to nurture my mind through Yin Yoga, meditation, pranayama (breathwork) and journaling practices; rituals I now view as essential supports for my wellbeing.

• Through my work in the mental health industry and the yoga space I have increasingly found myself coaching people (both one-on-one or in group settings). This process happened almost organically and I find the work to be incredibly fulfilling. Empowering people to create positive shifts in themselves and their lives is something I am absolutely passionate about, so I took the next (obvious) step and completed a Life Coaching certification. 

Which just about brings us up to the present day. At age 52 I am happy, healthy, 100% unapologetically me and living my best life ever. I've turned dreams that I once thought were only of the ‘pipe’ variety into goals and worked them to reality, and continue to do so. My journey to mental and physical wellbeing has been key, the learning along the way, building my resilience and finding the balance that works for me. 

Like all journeys it is ongoing, but I now have a wealth of knowledge, tools, and self-awareness to support me to adapt my practices to my evolving needs. Mind body wellness, self-insight and clarity has empowered me to let go of fear and step into my authenticity and thrive. I am now privileged and honoured to support others on their journey to living their best life yet. 

Clare xxx